NEW TECHNOLOGY: THE ONLINE TERMINATION NOTICE
Dear Employee #382990,
It is with deep regret after you have served 20 long, hard working years with our company we need to inform you (via email) that your job was selected to be part of our company wide restructure; i.e., means you have been restructured out of a job, i.e.e FIRED, e.g., means you need to pack up your cube immediately and exit the building, i.e.e.e., MEANS RIGHT NOW. e.g.g., before we call security and have them escort you out kinda thingy.
The following 678 pages will explain in complete detail what it means for you to sign this termination agreement in complete easy to understand (Stanford and Harvard Law School legalese) of what you can and cannot do for the next 5 years of your life when it concerns our company.
To make this process as easy and as painless as possible, we have used our own technology to bring this termination agreement to you via online. Special thanks to all our sponsors, and of course your fellow share holders of the company for making this possible. Please indicate how you wish to handle this agreement by checking the appropriate box selection listed below.
__ I am an executive (Director or VP level manager) so others in the company will be told “I have been re-assigned and pursuing activities outside the group” and will be paid more cash than the national deficit.
__ I am a (middle manager or an individual contributor.) Others in the company will be told “I was laid off or part of the bottom 5% low level workers.” I leave under protest however, being you are paying me a butt load of cash, I will sign the agreement and keep my mouth shut.
__ I leave without reservation. I was waiting for you to lay me off so I could get the severance and start the day after I sign this agreement to start working for a company competitor.
Thank you for signing this agreement. We wanted you to know that we honestly put so much effort into making this process as empathetic and as personal as possible. Like our company motto is; WE ARE FAMILY, WE KEEP OUR FRIENDS CLOSE, BUT WE KEEP OUR ENEMIES EVEN CLOSER.
Thank you for signing this agreement. Your manager, if they too have not been let go will be notified via email when you have signed and submitted the agreement online.
Have a great day!
The Company President
Wriiten by: Donna Farrell